Parenting: It Removes a Village
In part 1, we talked about parenting as care-giving and values instillation. I went through some major challenges to parenting presented by financial limitations, time constraints, and un-restrained industrialization. In part 2, we talked about the War for Independence that has become an expectation for everyone in the US. Let’s now tie it all together.
By adolescence, the battle cry for independence is long established, and parents are, for lack of a better word, screwed. The cry goes, “family is nice and all, sometimes, but we didn’t get to choose them” (more independence narrative), and “aren’t they the ones to blame for any of our faults?” Anything positive I do I have created for myself. Anything negative was trained into me. These are standard Western social psych biases. We deploy this free will of convenience when it suits our independence narrative.
We have good cause to blame some parents: it is sadly too common to come across children who have gone through abuse or neglect, or whose creativity and passion have been sapped by parents pushing obedience or else. However, even these parents can point to a system that pushed them into it. How else to handle a child’s misbehavior? When the parent has a) limited time; b) limited money; c) work stress; d) no formal training in parenting; e) endless social expectations of what their child should be able to do and how they should act; f) own expectations of good behavior from the child; while being g) systematically separated through independence from the community that was traditionally there to help? And, h) the child being trained to rise up against you like Oedipus?
We must accept our interdependence alongside our independence. As Lincoln famously said, “A house divided cannot stand.”
Any solutions?
After all that, you may wonder a) why would anyone have a child with all that pressure? and b) I already have kids – are we really that screwed? First, parenting is not for everyone. It’s okay to say “No, thanks.” As someone who has chosen “yes,” I love my kid and nothing challenges me as much to be a better person as being a parent. (For nonparents, anything important to you that holds you honest to what we owe each other can be just as good!)
Are we screwed? No. Humans are flexible, adaptive, and lifelong learners, and these systems are our systems.
- When you see a parent (including yourself) make an ill-advised action, consider:
- What might they (or I) be needing?
- Can I give it (obtain it)?
- What can I let go of trying to control in my parenting?
- Can I create time and energy for enjoyment with my kids?
- Can I forgive my parents for their mistakes, and myself for mine?
- For those who have support, can I put more into this and be open to taking more from them? For those who don’t, how can I build a community of support?
- Know that asking for parenting help (whether from family, friends, support groups, therapy, etc.) is not a mark against your independence, but is a positive action to build interdependence and community.
There are community resources out there. NAMI runs Family-to-Family groups for those raising children with mental health challenges. I and many other therapists have support groups for parents.
Our communities contain all the knowledge, skill, love and compassion we need to support each other. Peace and cooperation to us all.