Disclosure re: “Right” Therapist
Before jumping in, I should note – first, I am a psychotherapist (psychologist). And second, I have a new practice. So yes, some obvious self-interest biases there. On the other hand, as you may have gathered from the title, I am not going to try to prove that I am the right therapist.
You’ve all seen the commercials. Those advertisements from various apps and therapy resources, telling you “we can help you find your perfect therapist match.” Makes it feel like a dating app, right? And I’ve heard that sense mirrored in people who have participated in therapy, too. I’ve heard statements like, “I have to figure out how to break up with my therapist.” It’s not something you hear in medicine, nor in most other professions (though I have heard it for barbers).
What’s the deal? There are many professional relationships we make across our lives, from teachers to check-out workers to mechanics to home health aides. It’s probably not surprising that the ones that feel more like dating are the ones with greater emotional intimacy. And not physical intimacy – take medicine. Over time, much of medicine has painstakingly, surgically removed much of the emotional intimacy and become more mechanical, while remaining physical. As the child of an internist, I have seen the great lengths my father has to go to in order to maintain some emotional connection to his patients.
The “Therapeutic Relationship”
Psychotherapy is, inherently, emotionally intimate. You are meant to share your ambivalence and your doubts, your shame and your grief. Sometimes most provokingly, your hopes and dreams. So far, therapy sounds like the intimacy of romance after all! Well, not quite. Here’s where it gets more complicated.
When choosing a life partner, we all have our list of what we want. People’s lists are different – some shorter, some longer, some more physical, some more spiritual. Some more focused on joy and comfort, while others more focused on challenge and growth. That’s all positive and important. Our cultural values shape us in this, along with our personal exposure to adult relationships while growing up. In a romantic relationship, both people’s needs must be dynamically met. Moreover, the purpose in the relationship is an ongoing, values-based quest.
The therapeutic relationship is quite different. Ultimately, there is no “right” therapist because therapy isn’t about the therapist. It’s about the participant (see my “educate” page for why I use the word participant instead of client). Not that therapist skills are unimportant – what the therapist does can be crucial. But therapists only provide context for change. Participants provide the change itself. What you need to filter for, then, is will this therapist guide me to recognize what I need to do.
What this means, unfortunately, is that if a participant comes in and is focused on feeling a particular type of comfort, let’s say, around the therapist, this may actively interfere with the desired change. At best, the participant is wasting attention on something irrelevant. At worst, the participant is trying to build in something that reinforces the problem.
Quick side note – that’s not to say that an unwanted feeling in therapy is wrong or even irrelevant. For example, you may be cluing into an unintentional bias on the part of the therapist. It’s best to bring up these feelings so both people can get on the same page about what’s happening. A feeling created by the relationship is different from an agenda of what the relationship should feel like.
Observer Effect and Uncertainty Principle
That’s right – as a final message, I’m bringing in quantum physics. Why? Because that’s how relationships work. We are dynamic as individuals and with others. How does that connect to the therapeutic relationship? First, through the observer effect. Just like finding the position of an electron with light, when you try to force a relationship to fit a particular mold, it tends to become anything but. The relationship ceases to be productive and becomes lifeless. And second, it teaches us to lean into the uncertainty. By permitting the relationship to be many things at the same time, we merge the familiar with the new, and acceptance with change.